Dad’s Statuses

Funny statuses and thoughts that have been published over the social networks
Hormonal Dad

Finally I got the time to install the safety accessories in the kitchen!
Now the 2yr old and EVEN I can’t get a knife from the drawer!!@@

Hormonal Dad

6pm:
“Little sunshine, your cry won’t help, you know that daddy doesn’t allow more than one chocolate bar a day.”

3am:
“Do you want also ice cream with your Doritos?!?!”

Hormonal Dad

Parents always afraid that their kids are hanging out too much in social networks.
I’m not… The moment my little daughter will post her first sexy selfie on her wall I will write her comment like this:
“Great photo, honey! I’m glad to see that you’re back on your feet and the hemorrhoids finally gone! XOXO”
** That will solve the selfie problems for the next few years **

Hormonal Dad

3 signs that the line at the post office is longer than usual:
1. You took your girl to the kindergarten this morning and when you come back, you’ll probably lead her to her wedding ceremony.
2. Your wife sends you pictures of your two-month old, then you get pictures of him rolling over, talking, walking for the first time, going to first grade, joining the army and being released with bail from a prison in Thailand.
3. At a certain point, a postal worker distributes postcards to send home with the message: “I’M STILL ALIVE”.

Hormonal Dad

Morning. Kitchen. Packing healthy lunches for the kids.
4yr: Daddy, what vegetable did you cut for me?
Me: Carrot…
4yr: How?
Me: With knife…
4yr: No! How?!
Me: With knife! I stood in the kitchen, with my underwear and cut the carrot to thin strips!
4yr: Nooo!! I don’t want strips!
Me: What? Why? It’s delicious that way…
4yr: No! No! No!
Me: There’s nothing you can do about it, it was the last carrot… may his soul rest in peace…
4yr: No! I don’t want it!
Me: You know, there are a lot of bunnies out there that have no carrots to chew…
4yr: NO!!
Me: But darling, it good for your eyes!
4yr: NO! I DON’T WANT IT!
Me: Ok, Ok! Here you go! I put something else! Bye bye!
4yr: What? What did you put?
Me: ZUCCHINI!!

Hormonal Dad

You insist to teach your baby girl about politeness and manners,
but then she comes back from the kindergarten with the song “Candy Shop” by 50 Cent.

Hormonal Dad

Morning.
Kindergarten.
I say goodbye to my daughter and shut the door. I take a step back and bump into a large tree from the Wild Life exhibit. The tree falls on the little lions and giraffes the children made. The fallen tree also cause water to spill out of bottles nearby, turning everything into a thick messy paste.
I contemplate escape but then a little girl points at me crying “My Mufasa!! My Mufasa!!”
And how was your morning?!?!

Hormonal Dad

Only experienced parents know that the literal meaning of “One last time!!!” is “I’ll say it three, maybe four more times and then you can start screaming at me, ok sweetie?”

Hormonal Dad

That moment when you tiptoe around the house because everyone is asleep, and you drop something that makes so much noise you end up shhhhhhushing it- like it’s its own fault for dropping.

Hormonal Dad

That moment when you’re walking through the mall with your daughter, and you ask her “Isn’t that the cleaning lady from your kindergarten?!?”, and then your daughter points at her and yells “Daddy! That’s not the cleaning lady! That’s the TEACHER!!!”, and the teacher notices, and all of the sudden she doesn’t smile at you anymore, she doesn’t send pictures to your phone anymore, and you find out that when they taught the kids about Passover and the evil Pharaoh they put a picture of you in the middle of the room and started throwing darts at it.

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